WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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