I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
