Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
