I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
