u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
