the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
