I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Vodka?
Forever.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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