Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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