First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
That's how pantless uber rides happen
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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