I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
did you just send me my own nude
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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