Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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