Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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