What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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