she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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