you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize