You really coming over, don't trick.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
