there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
sarcasm needs its own font
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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