I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Will exercising make me less horny?
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