apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
