I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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