onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize