omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
