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After last night, I could never be a politician.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
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