it hurts more in the daytime
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
