My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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