I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
