omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
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