miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
