I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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