he thought i was a dude.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize