I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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