just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Randomize
