...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
