i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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