We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
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