i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
