is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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