I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
