just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Randomize
