Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
