her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
