this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
She swung at the pinata with crutches
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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