I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
