I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize