Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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