he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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