Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
My vagina is officially offended.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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