I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
