i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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