I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
