I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize