Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize