just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Randomize
