Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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