Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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