I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
