...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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