I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
