I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize