I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
