i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I met the friendliest cop last night
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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