All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Found the puke drawer
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize