You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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