Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
