Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
