theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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