I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
