my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
